When you cannot forgive yourself...

There are times when you start to wonder what made you take the steps you took, which you should not have taken. You then try to reason it out and make yourself believe that whatever you did was something that happened all the time.... Mistakes do happen all the  time, don't they? There are some faults that may acquire the pardon of the people around you. But there are some which, even you, cannot forgive yourself for.

These unpardonable lapses in judgement come with a very high price to pay and leave you discouraged and broken. A thousand times a day, you say to yourself, "How could I have done that?" or "Why did I let it happen?" or "what was I thinking?" 

No explanation, whatsoever, is good enough to put your mind at peace. Your souls starts to disintegrate and life seems meaningless all over again. There is an emptiness that creeps into your being and sucks out all the hope from inside you. Nothing seems as good as it used to be and, although, you put up a brave front, you do not feel brave inside at all. Every reason for your existance seems to be slipping away in front of your eyes and you feel so helpless, that you just watch it flow away from you.

Everything around you seems to be mocking you and your efforts to get back to normal. And you know, deep down, that you are not trying hard enough because you think that at some point you will wake up from this nightmarish subexistance and go back to what you were doing before you went out and spoilt things for yourself. 

You feel it the most when you figure out that there can be no amends for it and no matter how hard you struggle, whatever you have lost is never coming back. For something that you have spent so much time, energy and love on you cannot let it go that easy. Sometimes, you can never let it go at all.

Time, eventually, heals everything, but you do not believe that it could be the case here because you are not willing it to go away. And then you realize that the longer you hold onto it, the lower it pulls you down. 

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